December 9th

I am beginning to enter the productive stage of this treatment cycle.  That is, I can now get up in the morning and help care for my kids, get a few chores done around the house and think about work.

This cycle proved to be more difficult than the last as I got a cold (bronchitis) as I was coming out of my drug fog on Day 4.  We had a trip to the hospital over the weekend as I begin to weaken instead of get stronger and am now on pretty heavy antibiotics.  It is a slow climb out of sickness/weakness again.

I was OK with cutting my hair super short, but now that it is patchy and I am balding it pretty much sucks.  I am wearing scarves, hats and a wig.  I told my kids that I was their pirate mom as I look like a Survivor contestant with my "buff" on my head most of the day.  They are not really concerned about these details and could care less about what is or isn't on my head.  (Note the cute family pictures as I am not going to share numerous pictures of myself at this time!)

School Christmas concerts have been this week, so we have tired grumpy kids worn out from the extra activity.  Tonight we head to Van Dusen Gardens to see the lights with the Canucks Autism Network.  The Gardens are open just for our group (usually packed wall to wall with people), so last year the kids ran wild and we had an amazing time.   Nana and Grandad will be joining us this year.

Home and Day 1 Again

I am just home from chemo and feel my body giving in to the cocktail I just received. Mom joined me today. We talked and then she knit while I read my Kobo.

For those of you not on Facebook, I did get some good news from the oncologist yesterday. The chemo is working as the tumor under my arm is pretty much gone. There is more cancer to eradicate, but this gave me some strength today, knowing my body was responding well to the chemo.

Time for lots of pills, soup, tea, solitaire on my iPad, and a few good period pieces as I climb out of the fog on treatment #2.

- Sara Jane

Kids & Processing...

I am certainly in the "better space" in this rhythm of doing chemo.  I am tired and my digestive system is still a mess, but I can function in my daily life.

The kids, while enjoying our first "snowfall," are having good conversations with us around cancer and we are doing as much processing as possible to be sure we are inside what they are thinking.

Madeline, 4 years old, will simply sit beside me and start asking questions and processing out loud with me the details and the main narrative to be sure she has it right.  
"Mommy, you are sick because the pills you take are fighting the bad guys in your body.  We are going to beat the bad guys up and they are never going to come back again!"
"Are the bad guys going to come into my body?"
"Can I give you hugs to make you feel better?"
"When are you going to get a wig?"

Last night, Matthew and I got out our paper and did some graphs and drawing with Ethan and Ben.  We have found that one of the quickest ways inside what the boys are thinking is to give them some tools to process what is going on visually.  We were graphing the cycles of chemo and how I would probably be feeling and before we know it they are both drawing graphs about how they are up and down, their successes and failures in making friends, how school is going, etc.

Being "Up"

I am sitting with my computer thinking about an update.  To be honest I have been waiting to return to some kind of "normalcy" before doing this, hence the delay in posting.

A nurse at the hospital told me that after the first few days I would return to a pretty normal state and be able to carry on my routines with perhaps the need for a rest mid day.  I have not had a day like that yet.  My body is under assault and the sense of heaviness, fatigue and being out-of-step with myself is immense.   The simple act of eating and drinking has become a strategy session on how to out manoever my bodies next attempt to reject food, or make me suffer for it.    

Accomplishments to be proud of thus far - I have walked around our little block, walked Park Royal North and bought a couple of hats, had my hair cut really short, and stayed up watching a show with Matthew the other night till after 9:30pm.  My mind feels a little clearer, but it is still a bit slow...

It is sunny here in Vancouver.  A November treat.  I will walk the block again today.  

Day 3 - At Home

It is Remembrance Day and the whole family is home from work/school.  I had a lovely time just sitting at the breakfast table and talking with Matthew this morning creating some "normal family rhythms".  The kids are so happy to see me come downstairs with him first thing in the morning.  They don't know I come mostly to get the drugs I need asap - but that's ok.

We saw a large blue heron from the creek dome swooping up on our back fence this morning.  We were all staring with delight and the kids were totally in awe.  We see them fly through the back wilderness/creek where we live often, but never on our property.  After a few moments on the back fence the heron swopped up onto our back deck just 6 feet away from where we could see it through the window.  A little magical moment this morning.

I am tired, aching from "bone pain" and food is not that appealing.  My face looks sunburned and after my hour or so with everyone downstairs I am ready to retreat.  I am pleased to be sitting up and typing, but will soon need to turn on Netflix and settle into another world very shortly.